The Bookshelf

Through every trial and error, falling down and rising back up again, one thing has remained certain: God lights the way. Everything that happens to us on Earth is meant to be, for only the Good Lord knows what happens. No matter where we go or what we do, it is part of the Lord’s plan, and we have only 2 real choices of our free will from then: follow Him or don’t. For years, I was a boy who was trapped in a constantly growing body, tempted by everything under the sun from drugs and alcohol to sex and violence. Everyone around me told me to live a little, and let myself enjoy the ride. It wasn’t for me. Everytime that I had come down from those highs, I felt awful, disgusted, and out of place. I looked at everyone around me who I once called “friend,” and realized that as much as they said they were, they were not. They were just as lost as I was. But, I returned to them time and time again because of the demon of comfort which constantly whispered into the strings of my heart “I would be nothing without them,” pulled even further into that abyss. That same demon drove me to thoughts of suicide when I wasn’t with them. “How can I matter?” It was something I constantly wondered, and constantly asked for years from the classrooms of my high school to the jobs I worked recently. I used others and abused them as I was used as and abused by those same “friends.” And in all that time, I had lost sight of the Good Lord, but He never lost sight of me. It was around this same time I had found reading and writing. 

I had lost my faith once. At the time I was barely a teenager finishing my first year of high school. That faith I once had in the Good Lord had slowly begun to fade as I began to lose friends and find others who were never of any caliber as the previous. Some of those old friends I had remained to see me through it all (one in particular whom I have the honor to call my sister, and others I met along the way whom I now call “old friends,” brothers, and sisters) along with my blood family whom I hold dearly. But, it was at that time that I was only beginning to reach my lowest. The Good Lord made sure I got what I searched for when I was there. Pleasures had become temporary escapes from reality, anger became a way of letting it all out when “nothing went my way” but was always going my way, depression was a strong perfume that was seductive and called back to me every time I opened my eyes to every moment I closed them to sleep, lust had disguised itself as love in fantasies during my loneliest moments. All had begged me to give into them, and more times than I can count for years, I did give in.

At the same time, my family felt like it had begun to rip itself into pieces for reasons I will not share. But, in that same time, I had turned against them more often than I should have with afflictions of avoiding responsibility, lying and hiding the truth, and neglect of them when all they had done was care. My biological Father unfortunately was at the forefront of this, and while I can never apologize enough to him for all that I have done, I know through the grace of the Good Lord that guides him, I have been forgiven now that my sins are known. I now truly feel the right to say I have the honor and privilege of calling my biological Father my teacher, a man I look up to, and one of my best friends. But, to continue the story, it wasn’t until I met a woman whom I wanted to marry that I had finally seen the error of my ways. Before her, I had a run of bad luck with women, being cheated on and abused. In reality, it was as much my fault, as I had been what they had become. We had split after almost two years of being together, around the same time I had lost two of my aunts who were almost second mothers to me, and whom I had taken for granted. At the time though, I believed I truly tried for her, the woman I once loved. But, in reality, I didn’t. I still fell into lust for other women and lied to her face that I never did. I was convinced I wasn’t a cheater because I never acted on those feelings, believing I remained loyal to her through keeping her close and letting her keep me closer. But, with wandering eyes and multiple addictions to that same lust and other fantasies I had come up within my mind, I cheated on her internally. Murder is as much a sin as masturbation. Both defile the soul and the people targeted. Both we are tempted to do through the deadly sins, one through anger and one through lust. I have defiled many with just a thought, and a lying tongue. We almost had a child by accident, and I cannot begin to express the deep regret I feel to this day for having agreed to snuffing the spark of light that had only begun to grow within her. Many might say it was the right thing to do, and is selfish of me to regret it now and to want to bring a child into this world. But, I disagree. It is selfish to not take responsibility for a young one and deny them a chance. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. But, not everyone should speak on matters they have never been a part of. However, I know that the Lord didn’t want me there, and it is as much wrong of me to regret as it is to not.

Throughout all that time, I was a pagan who constantly searched for divine answers in the wrong places. I had tried many different approaches, from the Norse way to some Celtic ways, and so on. All were false beliefs, all had left me empty. But, it was after the funeral of my first aunt to pass that I realized how wrong it all began to feel. The prayers I wanted to be real, and more than anything I wanted her to reach Heaven. Although I didn’t get to attend my second aunt’s funeral, I had said prayers for her with that same hope. It was after this time that I had begun my reinvention, aiming to find the spark of light within myself that I had tried to find for years.. The pains I had felt of all that had transpired for almost 10 years began to surface in the form of a drive to not be “that loser” I once was. That hope to overcome became my everything. I lost weight through training and maintaining a good diet, and began reading and writing again. But, I was still missing the point. I didn’t have the faith I have now, and called myself an agnostic, searching for answers within the lessons of philosophers (with the Stoics being some of my favorites and still are to this day.) However, that too began to feel flat and insatiable. I fell back into a kind of depression which I couldn’t identify, even after accepting my roots being baptized as a Catholic and aimed to become a “born again Christian.” It was as if something else held me back. 

Although I never stopped my training or diet, I stopped reading those philosophers (as much) and began to read the Word of the Lord. My rebirth through Christ was messy at first, having no clue about any of it. Although my family has parts Catholic and parts Lutheran, I never truly reached out to any of them at first. I decided to research on my own in an attempt to find my church. Orthodoxy had seemed promising at first, and to this day, I have a deep love and respect for the Orthodox Faith, along with my Orthodox brothers and sisters. But all the while, I focused too much on the things that gave the image that I knew what I was doing, buying icons and reading material from the original churches. My aunts as well were Catholics, and I remembered the prayers I said for them, and was looking for a way to be both Catholic and Orthodox in a sense. There too was once a time where I had believed I wasn’t Catholic, but only Christian just because I didn’t attend the church, yet still believed in the Saints and Holy Mary as truly holy and guides to Christ. A good friend of mine, who I see now as my brother-in-law, told me that in fact, that’s a very Catholic and Orthodox belief. I also researched the Eastern Catholic rites, but being from the Chicagoland area, almost everything is Roman. It was foolish of me thinking that I was limited to titles at that time. Still, while I read and prayed continually, I continued to fall flat when it came to my approach. The words of theologians and the church fathers, while beautiful, didn’t reach me the way they felt like they should have. It was infuriating as much as it was confusing. I also fell into that demonic trap we have all felt at some point in our lives: that we’re letting our loved ones down. For me, I felt I was letting down my aunts as much as my family and friends. 

That idea had clawed its way into me as I began to navigate more of the theological. I started to search for new work as well, being unsatisfied with my job and hoping to find something that caught my interest more. I began to long for companionship just as much. But, in that time, I had still beat myself internally for my failures. I had left behind friends, believing it was the right thing to do because I needed to find my way, and that part of that was needing to let them go. I was wrong, and my defences had become weakened. It wasn’t until a near death experience that started from a small cut on my finger that became a terrible infection, another terrible relationship that almost ripped me away from my family, and a breakdown against the people I care dearly for that I realized all that I thought I was learning, I wasn’t retaining. I was letting the Devil win by being beat down and letting myself stay there mentally, no matter how many improvements I had made physically. My biological Father was heavily involved with keeping me from falling into that trap, and had heard my whole story which I had hid from him for so long. He told me something during one of those breakdowns that I remember everyday: “All that you have done, God forgives you. You’ve told it all to Him, you’ve told it all to me. I know you think you deserve this for everything you’ve done. But, you don’t. God still loves you, and you are forgiven.” 

It was one of the most painful breaths of fresh air I had ever taken, and I am forever grateful to the Lord for sending my biological Father, and for all that He does. My understanding of my faith in the Lord has become more clear, and while I still struggle with being hard on myself at times, I can definitely feel that grip around me has loosened. Still, some things that the Good Lord does are mysterious, but sometimes it is best to leave it at that: they’re mysteries. Sometimes, we aren’t meant to know until it is the right time under the Lord’s hand. One thing that I began to remember as much as what my biological Father said to me then was a quote from an Orthodox priest who I had the pleasure of meeting and speaking to when trying to find my church. He told me: “Salvation, like healing, is a process.” Since then, I have meditated deeply on that saying, and all that it says with so little. When the Holy Spirit fills  us, when we let God’s Will be done, when we are reborn through Christ, it is all a process. Forgiveness is essential to that salvation. As much as we are forgiven by the Good Lord and as much as He loves us, saying a singular prayer and expecting that to save us isn’t going to help if we don’t understand the weight of our crosses. Anyone can say a prayer for forgiveness, but have you looked back at what it was you have done and felt bad for doing it? I have, and I still do for many things. But, I have found more meaning through carrying it than by letting it keep me grounded. 

Today, many people (both male and female) don’t know how to realize this. Or, if they have realized it, they don’t do anything about it. One thing I disagree with is that “it’s the men of today.” Many of today’s male society aren’t men, but boys trapped in growing bodies, like myself, who is still learning. The same can be said for women who aren’t women, but little girls who live within themselves. Many like to point the finger at the opposite gender, or at anything else that isn’t their own inability. It is not men or women, but children who have never grown internally. Unfortunately, that is something that has become the norm, and part of that norm has created a void between others. The fault of the few has begun to weigh down on the many. The Good Lord never once said to place your cross on others, but to pick up your cross and follow Him. Deny yourselves, for as much as we like to think that we have all the time in the world, we don’t. We all die one day. We may be born of this world, and that is why we fight the worldly temptations we do. The world and the life we live in it are the proving grounds. Temptations aren’t just the latest fashion deals or the sweets we keep hidden when we diet, but things we do daily too. Are we judging others when we see them? We aren’t the Lord, so who said we could judge? That goes for ourselves too. Are we finding reasons to hate ourselves? You are a child of the Lord, made in His image, why do you hate what He has made? Before we were, Christ was, and knew us from the moment we were even a thought. Sin is as subtle as it is grand. The saying “Don’t feel bad for what you’ve done, be proud of how far you’ve come” doesn’t work, and is ignorant towards God’s grace. Yes, be happy in knowing that you have come far, for that victory belongs to the Lord. But, know that not feeling that weight is not the point. Feeling it for what it is, then progressing through the Lord is. The idea that says “God turned his back on me in my darkest moment” is a false one. The Lord never turns His back on his children, no matter how dark the world may seem. It is us who have turned our backs on Him when things become dark, and find ourselves always longing for something more or lost in the false contention that there is nothing more. These too are demons, which I have known and have seen others know, sometimes without knowing. Job suffered for years without once doubting the Good Lord, and the Lord doubled his riches. The Apostles, when out in the storms, only were almost overcome when they were afraid of what was instead of trusting in Christ. Only when they did had the storms dissipated. 

My perspective, since recognizing what this all is, has changed on everything. The War for our souls is one that we all continue to fight, especially in today’s age where everything has become so diluted and numb. But, I have begun to see the Good Lord in everything since then. I see Him in the smiles of my friends and family as much as letting go of whatever it is that I no longer need. I see Him in the trees that dance in the wind as much as the things that have improved in a sense. I see him in every bit of joy and every challenge that arises on the path. I have renewed some of my friendships, while others I believe wouldn’t be right for me to renew. I still have the same job, but am still searching, and aim to find something better soon. I have dreams of falling in love, having a marriage and a family to build and provide for. The people who I have called my brothers and sisters have become more than deserving of those titles, being part of the support I have had throughout this time. My blood family, while at times can be difficult, I love all the same. Scars have begun to heal. I only drink with my family and friends on special occasions now too, because everything I do is in moderation and keeping the Lord in mind. My story isn’t the worst, for at times I’ve had it easy, and have definitely had it much easier than others. I have comfortably reached what can only be described as “the Autumn of my youth,” watching as the leaves that I will no longer need change their colors, and fall away with time. But, it is also only just the beginning. Whatever may come next, I know I will not be alone. We never truly are for as long as we see that God is in everything, and is by our side. He is watching. 

My Prayers to the family of Charlie Kirk and to he who sleeps now in the Lord.

• V